Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
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Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.