If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
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All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses