The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
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Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.