Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
You Might Also Like
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
scares
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.