*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
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Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Very problematic
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Wednesday
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole