Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
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[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Every work call, he judges.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
When they try to steal your moment.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night