Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
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wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.