Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
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I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Woke up against my better judgment again
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…