I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
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Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.