I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
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[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
This is not me but this is me
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.