I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
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Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha