I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
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If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.