i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
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Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I love you…
…r dog.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.