ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
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If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.