The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
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“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣