Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
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The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
me after eating Cheetos
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared