Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
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[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
When ur friends with white people
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.