Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
You Might Also Like
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours