oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
You Might Also Like
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
What the hell is going on?
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines