When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
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What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Not now. I’m deglazing.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider