They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
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Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.