I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
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Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school