As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
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Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry