recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
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The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
dutch is not a serious language
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?