Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?