Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
You Might Also Like
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
What personal space?
My dog
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!