Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
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Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.