“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
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[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
get you a girl who
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Thinking about Jeff
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???