[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
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ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.