[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
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Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake