Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
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I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
An odd boast
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.