[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
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going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.