Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
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The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.