My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
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10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually