“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
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I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.