Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
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*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
They got a point!
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.