I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
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I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
🤣🤣🤣
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.