What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
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My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.