I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
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Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.