Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
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Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Shoo shoo! 😂
you will never know the true number of layers
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this