She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
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Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.