A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
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“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
philosophical skeletons be like
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today