I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
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My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is