“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
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Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
❤️❤️❤️
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?