i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
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Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Me, flirting😏
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Festive toon…
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-