You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
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[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…