that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
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It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
not seeing the problem
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”