Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
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I falcon love using swear birds
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’