*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
You Might Also Like
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.