Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
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writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
incredible text to wake up to
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.